Well here I am, back for post number #2! Can i now officially say im sticking to the decision to blog...?!
The last few days I've had alot on my mind. Wont be going into all of it here tonight cause it will be a damn big post if i do! But I will talk about a bit of it. Im someone who is constantly trhinking, every second of the day that im awake i will be thinking, over analysing...my brain is one of those that is always ticking over. You know those people who are super laid back, taking every day as it comes and going with the flow? Well im most definitely NOT one of those people. I really wish I was. My better half is much more relaxed and take things day by day, but i am a planner, way too much so...to the point of control freak tendencies at times. It can be unhealthy and im always trying to just BREATHE, relax and go with the flow. But I dont think im destined to ever meander or wander through life...hence the stress of the last few days.
Im at a bit of a crossroads, i feel. In my career and life direction, really. Everything else in my life is pretty great - I have finally, after kissing many frogs, met my prince (im sure the frog stories will surface in later posts!). We bought a house together earlier this year, and we have 2 super cute naughty furry animal children to entertain us. I am healthy, and fit, and have good friends and interests. But, alas, there is a hurdle...the career.
At this point in time, my job sucks. It has sucked for about 18 months now. I have been with the company im with for almost 7 years now, and while i wont go into exactly what it is that i do, it is a bureaucratic department of the worst you can imagine. The first 5 or so years in this department were pretty great. Good conditions, the work was interesting enough to keep me turning up (most) days, the job is secure (which lets face it at this point in time is pretty important!). Then, with promotion, came a new role that I had no say in and...well...its as boring as they come. The work dosesnt interest me whatsoever, and it's not constant enough for me...i like to be busy or i watch the clock and spend 3/4 of the day emailing and internet surfing while trying not to be sprung by the boss! Unfortunately, at this point in time there arent really any other jobs going that i can apply for, though i hunt eagerly for these all the time! The people i work with are good value, which helps...all odler and treat me a bit like a daughter but they are good eggs and i enjoy their company. That, and the job pays well, and is secure, and allows me a bit of a bludge thats for sure....
I want to be challenged though. Is that wrong? I fear my expectations are too high...that I should be happy with my secure, not too badly paying, bureaucratic role. When i first joined this department i was so ambitious, determined to move up the rungs, and i have...a few rungs anyway. But all i see now every day is the b/s that goes on...the a** kissing, the incompetence of the powers that be (and there is huge incompetence), the amount of work that happens at my level and lower to make up for the fact that those above have no freakin idea what they are doing. It has jaded me. Im cycnical now every day, because everytime i make the effort not to be, those above do the same as they always have and prove why i have every right to be cynical! ARRRGGGHHH!
My goals have changed, i think. I guess they do as you get older...different things become important. Ive lost the drive to move up where i am and be the high flyer cause really, at the end of the day what's it all for?Im not contributing to the world, im not being challenged, im not leaving my mark and making a difference. Im not doing what I want to do. Im not doing anything meaningful or anything adventurous because, lets face it, ive been too scared to take that step.
I think though, that im coming to that point where im less scared than i was before to do something different. I think I NEED to do something different and soon. Something challenging and something adventurous...
So that is some of what has been going on in my mixed up head the last few days. No decisions have been made at this point, but they are edging their way into the front of my mind. The options are there. Its just what i do with them now, that is to be decided.
Perhaps rambling in this blog will help me decide...I certainly feel better after getting all that out. Stay tuned, perhaps momentous decisions ahead?
And now, to finish, its photo time:
This is where i was exactly a year ago today. Cape Town, South Africa. It is perhaps the most beautiful, intense and heartbreaking city I have ever visited. I wish more than anything that I was back there right now.
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